That is part of the reason you haven't seen any posts lately. I had some awful morning sickness. I did not feel like doing anything and blogging just fell to the verrrrryy bottom of the priority list. Although in that season I don't think it should have.
Blogging started for me when I asked God for a way to serve Him in sharing the Good News but still be able to stay home with Reed. I could serve in a lot more ways outside of our home, but since Travis is gone half the time it's hard to commit to anything. And frankly, that's just not what He's asking me to do.
Well I finally began feeling better and sat down at my computer one night so excited to start back up and my internet would not work.
That's when I felt God saying "Spend time with ME right now."
And He's been saying that every time since.
Since I moved to Michigan I've been in spiritual boot camp.
Like, seriously. Gut wrenching, hard, no joke boot camp.
In every area of my life where I had decided to choose Him I had to decide to do it all over again, but this time it was 100 times harder.
Marriage hasn't been a big part of the boot camp, but being alone sure has.
Matthew 4 starts out like this:
4 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. 2 After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”
4 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:
“‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”
7 Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”
8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9 “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’”
11 Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.
This happened after Jesus was baptized and before He began leading masses.
This has been my boot camp.
But I haven't handled it quite as well as Jesus and I didn't pass quite as quickly ;)
I KNOW it was God's will for me to marry Travis, and for us to be stationed so far from anything I had ever known.
I also KNOW it was the will of God for it to be hard.
Refer back to the first verse of Matthew 4 "Then Jesus was LED BY THE SPIRIT into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil."
When I decided to change my life and begin to live in obedience to His commands I was tempted all the time. Those temptations were mostly to practice sin outwardly.
"Why not just go to that party, it can be your last one."
"It can't be that big of a deal if you don't honor Him with your mouth."
"You should wear that really short dress, that will for sure get boys attention."
That was a season of learning obedience, when I first realized I loved Jesus.
As Misty Edwards puts it in her book "What is the Point?"-
"One of the core issues of conflict of the generation in which the Lord returns will be the definition of love. Do we love on God's terms, or do we love on the terms of the humanistic culture that has no reference to obedience to what He has already spoken? We must love Jesus on the intention to "keep His commandments" because Scripture is our pathway to Him and the standard that we will be evaluated by. We can't say that we love Him and then refuse the path that leads to Him. That would be like saying you love someone in a foreign country but you refuse to look at them, talk to them on the phone, read their messages, get on an airplane to see them, or even speak the same language as them. This isn't love.
Jesus' commandments are the tracks that lead to Him. If you love Him, you will take the train and find Him. That does not mean our obedience is mature or that we never fail. I often fail and come up short in my obedience but my heart is set to obey the written Word of God, most specifically the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew chapters 5-7). It is the clearest definition of love in the Bible. There it is in three chapters."
(Also John 14:15-23)
I had come to an understanding of that and my heart was set on obeying His commands.
That's why the way I was tempted differently when I was alone.
Just like the tempter tried to get Jesus to question His identity, who I thought I was gone in what felt like a couple of months.
Everything that felt familiar was gone.
I had never really lived in the same town as the man I was married to while we were dating.
The enemy was getting into my head and trying to rip out everything I thought I had and his main target was who I was in God.
When he tempted Jesus he said "IF You are the Son of God..."
Satan didn't need proof that Jesus was the Son of God, he knew. But he wanted to bring Jesus to a place of questioning.
And the Spirit led Him there.
I know my High Priest can relate to me here because He was tempted in every way that I am.
And that was the purpose.
Hebrews 4:15 "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin."
But Jesus knew the Word of God. And He knew who He was IN God. He was God.
But I had to get in the Word of God, write it on my heart and fully believe that I was a pure child of God that He purchased with a price, the Son of God nailed to a cross. WHAT? That was just too good to be true and there is no way this lowly sinner could be promoted to that status.
But I had been.
And I don't believe that because I think I deserve it, I believe it because after many nights of begging for the truth I received it in my heart.
"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God- children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." - John 1:12-13
Who I believed I was stripped away but built back on the only foundation needed. God and His heart for me.
John 4:24 says "God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth."
I was starting to get what it meant to worship in truth.
I was in the Word, meditating on scripture, walking out His commands, not only the outward acts but the things I had to walk out in my heart, having no condemnation and believing who I am to Him.
It was so hard and sometimes I was really tired. I just wanted to sulk in my emotions and let them overtake me but God was calling me to something more.
Something better.
In no way am I saying I'm done in this area, this will be a life long journey but the tides have shifted.
My heart is beginning to be at peace with these things and by His grace I can refer to scripture when temptations come my way, or when I don't know what I am supposed to do.
But Father has added to this season learning to worship in Spirit.
That doesn't mean sing loud during worship service and feel that good feeling while you do it, it means LIVING by the Spirit.
Seeking Him in everything. Being in constant communication with Him. Becoming intimate with Him.
This is a season where the Shepherd of my soul has been wooing me to spend time with Him alone.
To desire to just sing to Him and be excited to talk with Him and learn more about His character as He reveals it to me Himself. Intimacy.
Now I'm in a whole new level of hard, it doesn't hurt but it takes so much discipline.
To continue to seek His answers to what real intimacy is and not what the media says or what the scars of my past try to tell me.
And for that to play out I have to be alone.
In my own wilderness.
Before He sends me out to do the same things Jesus did, and greater. (John 14:12)
Just like Jesus in Matthew 4.
He is preparing me to walk out the will He has laid out before me.
It's been a hard time but so worth it.
"When I see Your face, it's gonna be worth it all."
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